Small changes...

I'm back to the daily work routine, after enjoying a very therapeutic vacation. The time away from the office made me realize that it was more of a necessity than just a desire to just take a vacation. Already, I can feel a huge change in my disposition. Before I left on holiday, I was stressed, overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. Being back in the office now, the culprits to the stress are still there, but I feel like I can manage them much better. The time allowed me to regroup and get my focus back on track.

While away, I realized that I didn't have to make drastic changes in order to create a better working environment for myself. The smallest change I made landed the biggest results! It is in my own perception of the "stress" that is the root of the matter. I learned that I can either feed in to the difficult situation & allow my stress level to grow, or I can simply redirect my energy in to something positive. It's not to say that the difficult situation will resolve itself by doing this, that's not the intent. But, by turning my focus away from the discomfort, I've taken away it's energy & eliminated it's power to control me. It may sound a bit hokey but it works!

Another change is in how I approach a situation. It is up to me to choose to have either a positive or negative intent. No matter how difficult the situation, if I address it from a positive place, then the energy that I'm putting forth is not of malice, but of genuine good. This can be met with a negative force in return, because - who am I kidding, not everyone is experiencing the same "Kumbaya" epiphany that I am! But, for me, it's about knowing that I'm living a life that is putting positive energy into the world. So what, if I happen to get a few figurative "bloody noses" along the way? So be it. I may get knocked down & I may be faced with resistance & negative response. It's up to me to continue with a positive approach, to strive to be a better, more positive person. This is not going to happen over night but the changes are within me. The peacefulness that I am beginning to feel is well worth more than any "bloody nose" that I may encur along the way.

The more difficult change I am making for myself is a continual "work in progress". It's about making myself a priority. I know I've mentioned this in previous posts, but this is truly a difficult one for me. I guess I feel that by taking time out for myself, I am in some way being selfish & I'm letting others down when I say that I can't help them or be there for them. Take for example a day full of meetings earlier this week, which happens quite frequently at work. When meetings run back to back, I rarely have time for lunch! I end up working well into the evening just to catch up on pending emails from the day. This situation happened on Thursday. One of the earlier meetings got cut short & my boss requested that we resume it after another meeting finished. By the time we were ready to meet again, it was already 5pm. Thursday nights are my scheduled weight loss meetings. In recent months, I have given up attending these because of work; as a consquence, I put on 5.2lbs since September! How frustrating! I promised myself that I would no longer compromise my meetings for work! When I returned from the holidays, I told my boss that I was back on the program and I planned not to miss anymore meetings. When we headed into the 5pm meeting, I told my boss that the latest I would stay was 5:30pm. It may sound silly, but this was a huge step for me! He looked somewhat surprised, but when I explained to him about my meeting, he understood. At 5:30pm, I got up and left, even though it was still underway! And you know what? Nothing bad came of it! In fact, quite the opposite occurred. I weighed in at the meeting & lost 2lbs! I caught up with some of the members that I hadn't seen in months, and the topic of the meeting really hit home! One small victory for myself!

I know I will encountered challenges in my quest for finding a proper balance in my life! As long as I stay focused & remember why I NEED this, I know I can continue making small changes in achieving it!

Out with the old...

"Vacation".

This conjures up thoughts of a clear blue sky against a white sandy beach, the smell of Ban de Soleil tanning lotion lingering in the humid air and the sound of the ocean's waves crashing against the shoreline....swoosh, swoosh, swoooosh...

"Staycation", on the other hand?

My husband and I finally took some (much needed) time off from work. The accrued vacation days had been mysteriously stacking up, to the point of reaching the "use it, or lose it" status. 2009, work-wise, was a busy year for both of us with neither of our schedules offering much opportunity to "get away". In the mad dash to use the days before we lost them, we decided to take the last two weeks of the year off with little, or rather, no planning on what we would do.

If anyone has checked out the "discounted airfare" sites recently, you know that even though the sites still exist and claim to be the best bargain on the market, there isn't much of a "discount" to be had on any plane ticket. That is, unless you want to travel to Orlando, Florida in the midst of hurricane season by way of Newark through Atlanta with only a 12 hour layover in between. But even if, by some holiday miracle, two plane tickets had been purchased with enough forethought that the cost was just shy of a grand (not including taxes & service fees), have you ever tried traveling from east to west during the busiest travel time of the year? I didn't think so, but I have and let me tell you, it's not fun. Don't even get me started on the unpredictable weather that one has to also take into consideration when booking their holiday travel in May. It's one big gamble, I say! Throw in the chance that some wack-a-doo is going to do something really stupid, like catch his balls on fire while the plane is descending to the airport and well...there you have it. Planning a trip home to see my family for the holidays was out of the question.

The past week has been spent close to home. Since we didn't get on an airplane, the "start" of both of our vacations was spent at the office, taking care of some "loose ends". After a few days of checking emails in the morning, we were both able to ease into this thing called "staycation". Things I've accomplished this past week that normally I would not have had the opportunity:

1. Did a month's worth of holiday shopping in a day.

2. Wrapped a month's worth of holiday shopping in an afternoon.

3. Spoke to my mother every day (something that I should do, regardless, but haven't since I lived in the same house with her).

4. Enjoyed an afternoon coffee with a friend, while she taught me to bead my first ever snowflake ornament.

5. Started reading a book that I realized a third of the way into it that I had already read. So technically, I'm going to say "Read a book in less that a week".

6. Cleared out my dresser drawers & bedroom closet of all clothing I haven't worn in a year.

7. Inspired my husband to do the same.

8. Donated above said items to charity.

9. Threw out old bottles of medication (circa 2006) cluttering the medicine cabinet & purged all the "for unruly curls" haircare product that just quite didn't do what it claimed it would do if I would have just used about a quarter size on damp towel dried hair.

10. Got a massage.

There are many more things that I've done this past week, but in keeping with Dave's "Top 10 List". I'll stop here.

I don't mind that we never got on a plane this vacation. Even though a "real" vacation sounds lovely, I don't miss the sunburn, the mosquito bites or the sand in my bathing suit. OK, who am I kidding? I could have dealt with all of this with no complaints. But the point of the matter is that there is something to be said about just staying home that is equally as enjoyable. I'm spending my days doing what makes me happy, even if its just a trip to Home Depot, the grocery store, or CVS. I'm not at work right now, the office is managing, I am relaxed and that feels pretty good!

feeling good again...

I feel old. It's not because I just had a birthday, and it's not from the white strands of hair that no longer resemble "highlights" on my head. I actually physically feel old. My body aches most of the time. When my knee or hip or lower back aren't hurting, I'm usually suffering from a tension headache. I used to worry about how much Ibuprofen my husband consumed for his own migraines. Now, we are both popping pills like they are tic-tacs! This, coming from the girl who purposely tries not to take any medication unless entirely necessary. A couple of weeks ago, I bought a 500 count bottle of Ibuprofen from the drugstore. I mean, really? 500 pills? Come on! Today I asked my husband if he packed the Ibuprofen before we left the house to run errands for fear that one of us would either get a headache or I'd feel the aches coming on. Not good!

I need to lay off the meds and in exchange replace it with exercise. I've been really neglecting any form of exercise for a while now. I'm not talking just for the past few weeks, but more like "months". It's not about just losing weight anymore, it's about feeling good again.

My body has been one big tangled knot of stress for far too long! I say that I've been neglecting exercise, but bigger picture is that I've been neglecting myself - plain and simple! It's not just showing in my cranky emotions but it's wearing on me physically. That's a problem and one that only I can fix. So here it is. I'm going to stop writing about what I'm going to do and just do it. In the meantime, tonight the $9.99 box of hair dye is my first baby step to feeling younger. Tomorrow morning, the gym!

The number says it all...

Last night was Bootcamp workout # 2 with the trainer. Gone was the initial excitement I had the previous week. In it's place was anticipation filled with both fear and anxiety. Had I not forced myself to leave work and head directly to the gym, I might have chickened out on the workout entirely. Arriving at the gym earlier than the others, I had time to talk to the trainer about my weight loss & fitness concerns. I wasn't sure if I should be doing more cardio or more strength training in order to get the most out of this month long competition. Interesting enough, he told me that I needed a little bit of both. He also told me that I shouldn't bother working out at a moderate pace on the treadmill, which is my usual "go to" workout. Running for an hour is great because at least I'm exercising, but he said that the second I step off the machine my body stops burning calories at the same rate. He suggested that I do interval training. Quick bursts of running that get's my heart rate up, followed by strength training then repeat. He said that the hours following my workout, my body will continue to burn more calories as it's trying to adjust itself from the workout. Huh? Sounds like I'm tricking my body into working long after I put the 5lb weights down...How cool is that? He then gave me the key advice to successful weight loss. All I need to do is burn more energy than I take in. In more simple terms, I need to move more & eat less. Sounds easy enough, right?

Then why am I overweight?

Oh, and I'm not just overweight but I am officially F.A.T. I know, the big "F" word that I try to never say, but last night the number said it all. Not only did I get great advice from the trainer, but he also gave me the hard facts....My actual body fat percentage. Ouch...The number was surprising! Purely because this was the first time I've ever been told how much body fat I had. I guess I knew it all along without really knowing the actual number. Muffin tops are not made up of overly developed 6 pack abs, now are they? I initially took this information all in stride. All I can do is improve it now, right? Right. But as the evening progressed, the number really began to settle in. I haven't been bothered by a number in quite a while. I'm at the point in my life where I understand that the number on the scale does not define who I am as a person. But THIS number! It doesn't make me think less of myself, but it makes me think of how unhealthy I really am! I need to change it and PRONTO! My goal for the month is to lose at least 4% of my body fat. My trainer thinks that this is an obtainable goal. It's a start anyway, a start to getting my body fat percentage down by building more muscle & losing more weight. I owe this to myself, plain & simple.

I will need to take this journey one day at a time. One meal at a time. One work out at a time. Hopefully, little by little, I can chisel away at the number that is embedded in my mind. And maybe, JUST maybe, along the way I can chisel myself out a 6 pack stomach as well!

I say bring it!

No Pain, No Gain....

The only thing that I can compare the way my body feels right now is to an overcooked strand of spaghetti. I'm trying to function like I normally do at the simplest tasks. My brain is telling my legs to move when I walk, but my muscles are simply responding in protest. "No more!", they shout! Every step I take my legs are wobbly, every time I try to lift my arm, it falls back to my side. I think my body is shutting down.

Tonight marked the first session of our Bootcamp Workout. I was more excited than scared to begin the work on a better "me"! Our workout was set in the park on a beautiful June evening just as the sun was starting to go down - What a night! People were heading home from work and onlookers eyed us as we were lead through our group exercise. The audience really didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. At one point we used the park benches to do body dips & a homeless man sitted next to us was heckling the team! We were unphased! At the time, I was more concerned about my form and holding in my core than what gibberish he was spouting. All was going pretty smoothly until we got toward the last part of the work out. Next on the list, the team was split in two. While half of us were doing jumping jacks the other part of the team simultaneously did walking lunges down to the end of the park's grass and back. Halfway through the jumping jacks my legs began to complain. It wasn't anything really directed at me, just more of a background moan and grown. Then it was our turn to do the walking lunges. Oh dear! By the time I was heading down toward the other end of the park, all hell broke loose! Somehow, Norma Rae was leading the revolt and all my muscles & even my lungs were falling in suit. My body wasn't having it! After many months of sitting on the couch, THINKING about getting fit, this is the payback my good intentions gave me. I wasn't going to make it! All the reasons played in my head - "What were you thinking? These women are a fraction of your age & weight!", "Just imagine how red your face is now for everyone to see!", "Do you feel this burning? How can you possibly put us through another one of these! "Are you breathing? I don't think you're breathing!" Then the trainer said, as if on que, "Are you breathing? Remember to breath!" I think the look of "Are you kidding me???" was hard to hide, but I powered through it. My lunges might not have been very pretty, and I may have even stopped dead in my tracks two lunges away from the finish line - but I mustered up the energy to get the last two that I had in me, out! I made it!! A high five exchanged with another team mate! I AM DONE! To my relief, our trainer called it a night after that. Whew! It took me quite a while to regain my composure. The sweat kicked in and my face did it's usual beat red, blotchy thing, but I did it! It may have not been the best work out of my life, but I made it through relatively unscathed.

Heading home with the windows down, enjoying the last rays of sunshine before they fell behind the hill, I felt accomplished! Even when I got home, exhausted, I still had enough energy to run through my daily endurance tests! My husband told me he was proud of me, and you know what? I'm proud of me too! I survived the day! Tomorrow may be another story, as I'm already feeling the stiffness set in. But you know what? I can feel practically every muscle in my body right now and that is a really good feeling! Sure, it may hurt right now, but it's a good kind of hurt.

As the old saying goes, "No pain, no gain!"

Can we say "Bring it!"? Amen.

Picking up where I left off...

If I could get healthy by best intentions alone, I would already be at the weight & fitness level I've always wished for! Unfortunately, this is not how it works, despite my eagerness to achieve my goals. Months have gone by and, though I've done a pretty good job at maintaining, I'm nowhere near where I hoped to have been at this time 6 months ago...So the story goes! But one thing I've learned through out this process is that I've never given up. Though the fire may be merely a small burning ember, there is still a chance to ignite my "want" back into a roaring bonfire! Today is the day I put myself back on track! I must admit that I have been much nicer to myself over these past months. Maybe I became too forgiving of my poor choices (choosing a new episode of House over the gym, ice cream over a piece of fruit - you know how it goes). One thing is for sure - I haven't beaten myself up over these decisions either. Progress! I don't kid myself anymore. I am where I am at for lack of trying and I get it! But I also understand that at any moment, I can just as easily make the decision to pack my gym bag, get in the car and reward myself with a workout! I can grab an orange from the fruit bowl that I walk pass on my way to the freezer! So the light switch has been turned back on. Set backs arise and as long as I recognize that I can move passed them!

I used to say that if I could apply my work ethic toward my quest for a healthier me, I would have no problem achieving my goal! So what is it that sets the two apart?

Well, first I think it is confidence. I know that I am good at what I do! I approach my work with enthusiasm and passion. I am confident in my knowledge of my profession, but I also know there is much more for me to learn. I receive positive feedback from my superiors and have never felt that I've given less than 110%!

Secondly, I am accountable. I have deadlines to meet, a quality of product to make, and people depending on me achieve this!

And thirdly, I have a routine. I arrive at work at the same time every day with my morning rituals to prepare me for the work ahead. I organize myself and break down my workload into more simple tasks in order to get everything done!

How have I been approaching my steps to a healthier me? Here's the difference...

When I do make it to the gym, I am terrified of the weight machines and generally stick to the treadmill every single workout. I don't go to group classes for fear that people will stare at my bright red face that always gets blotchy whenever I start to overexert myself! Because I am overweight, I feel like it's apparent that I am not in my element & I'm lacking knowledge in how to get myself fit!

I am not accountable to myself! Like I said before, I have all the best intentions but I am easily persuaded to give up a trip to the gym for anything remotely more interesting. I'm the only one depending on myself right now to get healthy. It's a work in process putting myself first, and something that I still trying to accomplish.

I have a meager routine when it comes to weight loss and no routine when it comes to getting fit. I'm involved in a weight loss program that has it's ups and downs (at least on the scale). And for the fitness, see above regarding my fear of the machines.

Oh, I can see clearly now!

So hear it is....I'm putting my best sneaker forward! At least for the next month anyway! I've made a commitment to a group of women at work. We're involved in a fitness competition at a local gym. We are full of enthusiasm, support and a goal (myself included)! I am now accountable to people other than just myself. They are relying on me to do my part in winning this competition and I don't want to let them down! Since I work with these people, I can definitely trick my brain into applying my work ethic into all this! We're already planning on doing some workouts at lunch! Best of all, we have a trainer for the next month who's job is help us build our endurance - Not to mention that I have an ex-Olympian on our team for additional guidance!

Am I the heaviest one on the team? Yes! Am I the oldest one on the team? Most definitely! And really, I thought I would care a lot more than I really do! Maybe I've just gotten used to weighing in every week. Maybe I finally figured out that the # on the scale doesn't measure how good or bad of a person I am! It's just a number! And hey, I look at it this way - I figure that I'm an asset to the team because I'm the one that has the biggest opportunity to improve! And I tell you what, today we had to do some endurance tests and I kicked butt on my time for the plank pose!

So I will be back more often from here on out! I will post my process of this crazy fitness competition that I've gotten myself mixed up in! For the first time in a long time, I've found a purpose other than just trying to get the # on the scale to go down! It's about proving to myself that I can do this! And I will!

Bring it....

Resolution(s)

Every year it's the same - the list of new year's resolutions that get made with the best intentions. Unfortunately, in my case, come March (who am I kidding?) come February, most fall by the curbside with the recycling. This year, though, I'm going to make it easy on myself (ha!). I'm making just one resolution that I will have to uphold.

"In 2009, I resolve to be a kinder person!"

Seems easy enough, right? Being kind comes pretty naturally to most. I'd like to think of myself as a caring, giving person already. I bet if you even asked most of the people I know, they would probably describe me as a kind person in the first place. So what's with the resolution? Well, here in lies the rub - I think while I've focused on being kind to the people in my life, I've somehow forgotten to be kind to myself. In fact, I may go as far to say that I am down right just plain mean to "me"! So here it is...I'm letting go of the negative dialogue that plays through my head - no more remarks about the size of my arms, or convincing myself that I'm going to fail before I've even begun. I will feed my tummy because it's hungry, not because I'm using the excuse to eat to fill some other void in my life. I will move more and sit less because the more active I am the better I will feel! I will live my life without fear of failure. And most importantly, I will make more time to do the things that make me happy!

So this is the start...2009 will be filled with positive intent! I say, bring it...